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Bumping Ugly

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A birthday party attendee agreed. "The movie was better."

Across the room, the dark blade of a Mohawk sliced through the nearly liquid smoke like a shark's fin. My heart quickened as it approached. When the figure emerged in front of me, I chummed the waters with a challenge.

"This place isn't very punk rock. You like it here?"

Using the thumb-o-meter, 24-year-old Leo gave the place a slow, dramatic thumbs down as his dark, intense eyes met mine.

Let the feeding frenzy begin! His denouncement of the place made him über-appealing.

"You should come with me over to the Brick. They've got hotter chicks, better music, better drinks," he enticed. He was drawing me a map when "friend" (his word) Beth arrived and fastened herself to Leo like a remora. I got the message, even if he didn't.

"The ratio's not so good here," he said, indicating the number of women to men. Obviously, Leo was still looking for a number that suited him.

I went to settle my tab so that I could follow Leo to the Brick, whose bored, Polly Pocket-sized girls were no match for the Coyote's enthusiastic, grown women — that is, unless you're into kiddie porn or Hentai.

Before I left, I finally caught a body shot in progress (a big-time $20 happening announced on the microphone at Ugly). They'd gone on all night, but the crowd consistently obscured my view.

A bartender held a lime between her teeth, a shot of tequila in the one hand, and Lauren's arm in the other. With her mouth and hands full, the barkeep had trouble communicating her intentions. Awkwardly, the two maneuvered until Lauren understood that she was to lie on her back so her server could straddle her, simulate sex, and administer the shot, now half-empty from being sloshed. As the women bumped jean-clad uglies with all the sincerity of bad porn, two fresh-faced boys grinned behind their camera phones.

Definitely, my cue to go — the parting shot.

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